friend issue

Hello Friends,

I have been dealing with a troubling issue with a very close friend of mine. We have been friends since we were six years old, so it has been a long time. She had RNY almost three years ago and she looks fabulous!!! She has also had two reconstructive surgeries. When she told me that she was going to have the procedure I really admired her for that decision, but I could not even fathom of doing the same thing. After her procedure it took me 10 months to go and see her (she lives near Washington, DC) due to illness and my husbands' motorcycle accident. When I did finally go to see her, it was amazing the transformation! She had lost close to 200 lbs by that point and looked totally different. I will admit that I was jealous of her and in conversations I admitted that to her. When I finally decided to be on the losers bench, she seemed ok with it. Then afterwards anytime I mentioned anything dealing with the surgery she would get weird and quiet. If we had made plans to get together, she would cancel saying that it was just "too painful" to be around me right now. She perceives that I have had an easier time with post surgery life than she did. There are things that I can eat that she can't. She also perceives a competition thing going on between us. I keep on trying to tell her that I did the surgery to be healthier, happier and to lose weight, not to be in competitiion with her. We were supposed to get together Thanksgiving weekend. After a phone call, she needed to cancel because it was "too painful" to be around me, but that I shouldn't take it personally. WTF!! How am I supposed to take it???
My dilemma is do I bother to salvage this long standing friend**** Part of me says yes and part of me says no. I need positive people in my life and people who want to be around me. I need advice....I will be at the mtg tomorrow in Langhorne.

Thanks for listening and any advice would be welcome.... Beth

Wow Beth.....

I've heard of friendships falling a part because one friend had surgery and the other friend didn't, and the friend who didn't felt as though their "eating buddy" was gone or what have you....this is completely unique.

I almost want to say that she enjoyed being "better" than you - IE - having the surgery - and the surgery was "her" thing and you, inadvertently (nor does it matter) took this from her.

Now...things that you can eat that she couldn't.  Out of curiosity - what kind of stuff is that?  Is it stuff you aren't supposed to be eating?  Perhaps she is having issues seeing you eat something that she won't?  (I'm not saying you are...just an idea thrown out there)

In all honesty - I would write a letter to her (and/or email...) and explain to her that although she has said "not to take it personally" you have no choice but to do so.  And remind her that you need to stay focused on yourself and your new healthy life and need only positive reinforcement at this time in your journey.  And although you feel horrible about this situation, it is not in your best effort at this time to try to fix her problems.  And it will be up to her to contact you from here on in when she is ready to deal with whatever it is she is going through right now.

You can't make her happy - remember that.  It's not in your power, nor should it be.

Best of luck!

Pam  

Good advice from Pam. Upon reading your post, I also thought that the friend enjoyed being much thinner than you, and would view you as a threat or competitor when you lose the weight.

We know it's not a competition. But she views it that way, which tells me that she enjoyed her position as the leader in the race. She doesn't want to look over her shoulder and see you coming up from behind.

If she has clearly said that it is painful to be around you, that is a signal to step back from the friendship, at least for a while. I agree that putting the ball in her court is the best course of action.

I won't be at the meeting tonight but hopefully will see you on Jan. 2!

Hi Beth,

I went through a few different friend issues, but the one that was most similar to yours was with a good friend of mine, who did not have WLS, but had issues surrounding my successful weightloss, while she chose to do weigh****chers and could not (still has not been able to) adhere to and stick with it. . .  I noticed she was not returning my calls and believe me when I say, in my instance I did not ever laude it over her with my WOW moments or any such thing, I did that here with you folks, my feelings got hurt, but I intutitively knew that she was feeling bad, not so much because she was jealous, but because she herself was still struggling and not accepting herself.  I backed off for about a month and then confronted her with the way she had stopped returning my calls and/or responding to me emails. . .  she was able to admit her struggle and that while she was happy for me and my success, which I reminded her, that I never would discuss the subject unless she asked me and then I glossed over it and also tried hard to downplay it, as I remembered all too well how it felt to see her years back lose a good amount of weight and not be able to do the same. . .  anyway, we had a good talk and since then things have smoothed out, although it's now been 2 years since I had my surgery.  She still struggles with her weight and won't consider WLS, which I never asked her to, but she told me, it's good for you, but I just would not consider such a thing. . .  which I also felt that same way when I watched my cousin and others do it, but subsequently changed my mind. . .  my suggestion is to give it some space, perhaps drop and email to her saying that when she is ready to talk, you hope it will be soon, but that your friendship has never been about how big or small either of you has been and that you miss the free and easy friendship of old and then, let it be. . .  What I can say, is as a result of this surgery, I've made more friends than I lost and heck, knowing what I do today, I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Good luck, Laureen

Thanks Ladies,

This is a unique situation and I will need more time to ponder over what to do. Your comments gave me somethings to think about.....hope to see you tonight!!!

Beth

I had almost the same thing happen to me a friend who I was friends with for years jr high school, high school I would say about 35 years I used to be the slim and trim one and she the heavy one and I never made any comments about her weight I loved her the way she was and then I gained weight after having my daughter and she had wls and yep you guessed it she looked down her nose at me even making comments like Boy you were the one with the nice body and I was the overweight one now look at us.  Needless to say I was extremely hurt when she said that and I let her know.  The I made the decision to have the wls and she made the comment oh okay you couldn't stand the fact that I was the skinny one now you had to follow in my footsteps to which I replied to her don't flatter yourself!  Then she tried to say she had alot of medical issues and it was a one upmanship so needless to say we went our separate ways. Jelousy is an ugly pet to own. I wouldn't bother since it seems to be one sided yours.